And instead of relaxing I have spent all morning, noon, and nap (until 2pm) doing schoolwork. Writing, editing, rewriting, posting and submitting a rhetorical analysis and an essay.
I haven’t done this alone, mind you. Phil has been watching Kira all morning, and Phil and Aunt Jodi have been editing for me (THANKS GUYS!) but I am wiped! My brain begins to melt at a certain point, I am telling you.
I’ve also realized that I write the way that I speak, which is fine for let’s say…blogging, but not so much for formal essay writing. Woooooo…..
I had my first two midterms last week. My first midterm, which was the first one I had written in over seven years, was absolutely terrible. Think of any variety of ways to describe horribly awful, failure, and death, and that would sum up my midterm experience. As far as I can figure, I was so focused on not being nervous that I decided to spend all of my energy writing neatly. This “focus” (or terrible misuse of energy) led me to believe that I had to write all of my short answer and three essays in rough form before printing them *legibly* on the exam paper.
Did I mention that midterms and exams have time limits? Because they do. And writing 5 paragraphs and 3 essays TWICE is not something that the exam creators allot you time for. Needless to say, I ran out of time. I physically could not create and rewrite the amount of material in the allotted time. I did not manage to complete my midterm. In.Com.Plete.
The feeling that tightened over my chest and infused itself into my blood stream when I realized that I had screwed myself is nearly indescribable. Sheer horror, panic, hopelessness, and self-hatred all boiling together like a stew of misery and failure, rose to the surface and caused me to shake violently and blink away tears.
I wrote as fast as my little hands could manage and only succeeded in copying down 4 of the 5 paragraphs and 2 of the 3 essays. I begged the invigilator to include my last page of rough notes in my package for my second essay because I had not finished copying down my concluding paragraph. I held myself together most of the way for the ride home, and when I finally put the car in park and turned off the ignition I sat in the driver’s seat and bawled like I have never bawled before.
Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid, was all I could feel, say, or think. What was the purpose of doing schooling if I was just going to suck so hard at it? Nothing. No purpose. Stupid.
Four days later I wrote my second midterm. I approached this midterm (while slightly deflated) with the idea that under no circumstances would I attempt to write ‘rough copies’, that I would merely create a thought bubble and then write the essay as it flowed out of my fingers and into my pencil.
I finished the entire essay with one hour to spare.
I nearly floated out of the exam room, and I grinned like an idiot alllllll the way home.
I feel so much better now, I have my confidence back. But WHAT a ‘learning experience’. What a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, awful day. I hope to never repeat a day like that.
Missing you guys!